In this Soul teaching on how to own Valentines Day whether you’re in a romantic relationship or not, you will learn:
Whether you are currently in a romantic relationship or not, Valentine’s day can be a potential minefield of triggers that can bring up much repressed emotions and pain. Either because your person is not in your life the way you would like them to be or because your person doesn’t show up the way you want them to, in other words doesn’t give you what you were hoping for.
Much of the suffering caused by our Valentine’s day expectations are based in the absurd notion that what one does or doesn’t do on that ONE day out of 365 other days in the year, says anything about the depth of the love that our partner or person we hope to be together with, feels for us.
It’s a total setup that favors those who are romantically inclined.
But romantic inclination does not equal, true deeper feelings of love. I had a male friend visiting during the summer, who had met a girl that he wanted to take out on a date. As women, we had given him amazing ideas to create an absolute dream date for this girl. He had blankets, candles, wine, food and they had a romantic candle lit picnic on the beach. They made love by the sounds of the crashing waves on the shore and then fell asleep in each other’s arms. She felt deeply connected and thought she had met the love of her life. He my friend, despite going all out like this, saw it as a vacation one-night stand. The cherry on top of his Ibiza experience.
My friend had done and said all the so-called ‘right’ things, but his heart wasn’t in it. When he told me this, I replied that it would have been better that he hadn’t done it at all, if he already knew that this wasn’t that meaningful to him.
My point being that not all men or women are fluent in romantic gestures, and not everyone that does do BIG romantic gestures – has their actual heart in it.
A lot of your Valentine’s day heartache stems from not understanding this. You seek BIG romantic gestures, when maybe that is not your person’s thing or you interpret romantic behavior to be more than it actually is.
Both false perceptions lead to heartache.
You either don’t feel loved because it isn’t being shown in the way you were looking for, or you feel loved by someone who doesn’t actually love you which inevitably becomes clear at some point sooner or later, leaving you feeling hurt and betrayed.
When your person is in a third-party relationship
When your person is in a relationship with someone else, the mix becomes even more volatile. Because now you are telling yourself stories about how their partner is lucky because they get to be with your person that day.
You imagine how ‘he’ or ‘she’ is getting the romantic bliss you dream of. The candlelit dinner, the deep gazing in each other’s eyes, the passionate love-making. The more you imagine this, the more feelings of sadness, fear of loss, jealousy and anger you experience. You are generating them with your own thoughts, because thoughts create emotions.
When what you are imagining may not be true at all. They may be fighting, because your person didn’t buy their partner flowers or made no special dinner plans. Or they may be on a date that looks amazing from the outside, but all your person is thinking about is how they would rather be with you….
Be careful what ‘meaning’ you assign to your perceived reality, because it may not mean that at all and you could be potentially crying your eyes out over nothing.
All the suffering that goes on inside our minds is not reality.
It’s just a story we torture ourselves with.
As Byron Katie would ask; ‘Is it true?’
The truth is that our interpretations of our reality are seldom the truth because they are perceived through the lens of our own subconscious wounding (our deeply held fears and false beliefs around ourselves).
Everything comes from the inside out
In fact what you witness as your reality is the externalization of your own unhealed subconscious fears and false beliefs from this lifetime and previous lifetimes.
We are all playing out our unhealed subconscious wounding in life, because the unresolved energy of our past pulls in the people, situations and experiences in our outer reality that will help us heal it once and for all.
By re-triggering the unprocessed pain you carry in your subconscious and energy field, an opportunity arises to release it for good.
Your person not calling, breaking up with you, not sending a text, not making romantic plans, leaving you for someone else, disappointing you, betraying you, abandoning you, rejecting you or whatever else is transpiring in your current reality is happening for one reason ONLY and that is to help you heal a deeper fear or false belief that you hold deep down about yourself.
You may subconsciously believe that you aren’t good enough, that you don’t deserve to be loved, that you are unlovable, that you are too much, that you aren’t desirable enough and the list goes on and because you believe this to be true deep down inside yourself, you pull in the people, situations and experiences that help you bring up the pain of these for example false beliefs.
You subconsciously create situations that make you feel that you aren’t good enough, not lovable, desirable and so on – so that you can release these false beliefs and the original pain that caused these beliefs to be created to begin with.
Our subconscious fears and false beliefs are often created in early childhood, brought in from previous lifetimes or inherited through our maternal and/or paternal lineages.
Trying to fix your issue on the outside can NEVER work, you have to address them from the inside out. The love, the tenderness, the validation, the intimacy have to come from inside, despite the fact that it would seem to take two people. Whomever is on the outside, can only ever reflect back to you what you can allow yourself to have inside.
I don’t mean what you WANT to have, because you can want something desperately and still not be able to allow yourself to have it because of your own subconscious fears and beliefs.
11 fabulous ways to OWN this Valentine’s day
While you ponder on these deeper spiritual truths, let’s look at 11 fabulous ways you can absolutely own this Valentine’s day, instead of allowing it to play a number on you.
Let’s turn Valentine’s day into a day of self-care, self-nurturing and self-love, instead of a day of pining for your person, chastising yourself for not having what you so deeply desire or terrorizing yourself internally with imaginary stories of what you think your person is doing with someone else – instead of you.
Let’s reclaim Valentine’s day as a day to love and celebrate ourselves.
Creating a plan for the day helps avoid your mind hijacking your emotions and using romance or the absence thereof as a yardstick for true love, which it is not.
Romance in itself is a relatively new phenomenon historically (read a teaching I wrote about this here) that is more a social and cultural conditioning of what we expect love to look like, rather than what love actually is.
#1 Buy yourself some roses
Are you waiting to receive some flowers? Buy yourself a gorgeous bunch of red roses. If nothing else buy yourself a single rose and put it in a vase next to your bed. You can buy a single rose for under the price of a Starbuck’s latte. I have a fresh single rose in my bedroom 365 days of the year, I buy a fresh one every week and honestly I often get it as a gift from the shop owner or his employee because I buy a weekly fresh bouquet for the living room as well.
#2 Take yourself out on a date
If you want to go out on a date, go take yourself out. Go to the restaurant of your choice and treat yourself to a wonderful meal and a glass of wine by candle light. Or go watch that new movie you want to see by yourself in the cinema. Be romantic with yourself, one of my male clients reads to himself out loud to create romance with himself. And why not? Who says that only someone else can be romantic with you? You can be romantic with yourself.
#3 Have a movie party from your couch
Get yourself some take-out food or at least some yummy snacks, get yourself comfortable on the couch and watch your favorite Netflix series, movie or rent something online. Watch something funny that will make you laugh. The secret is to create joy in the here and now, instead of feeling nostalgic about a lost past or anxious about a yet to unfold future. The more you can be happy in this moment, the more the energy around you and your connections flow. The more you are stuck in the past or fretting about the future, the more constipated your energy becomes, stagnating everything including your connection.
#4 Write a list of everything you are looking for in a Soul Partner
Use Valentine’s day as a day to become really clear on what you want in a partner. If there is currently someone in your life that you want to be with great, but too often we make do with what we get instead of really calling in what we want. So allow yourself to look past your feelings for your current person and get very detailed on what you are looking for in a partner. What is really important to you and what is not? Then ask yourself why, as your answers may surprise you.
#5 Book yourself a day at the spa or create a home spa
Use Valentine’s day to pamper yourself by booking yourself a day at the spa. You can also create a home spa. Try out a yoni steam or get a massage. Make it a day of self-nurturing and self-care, maybe add in a healthy salad and a green juice or hit the sauna to sweat it out and deeply relax.
#6 Carve out some time to self pleasure
You can also use some time on this day to self pleasure. I don’t mean climax in under five minutes, but really explore your own sensuality and sexuality. There are many interesting female sex gurus that you can follow online that teach this. If you have difficulties touching yourself intimately between your legs, you may want to start with a breast massage instead.
So much of our emotions are stored in the heart chakra area and the corresponding organs such as the heart, lungs, upper spine, shoulders, and of course, the breasts.
#7 Book a session with a healer
You can also use Valentine’s day to create a big breakthrough and what better way to do this, than to work with a healer and get to know yourself better. Our relationship woes, are a product of our own subconscious wounds (our fears and false beliefs) and working with healers, helps us bring this unprocessed pain into our conscious awareness so that we can stop repeating painful cycles of abandonment, rejection, loss, betrayal, abuse and so on.
In the Soul Embodiment™ Therapy Journeys™, I help you release deep karmic patterns that you have been repeating over lifetimes and lifetimes.
#8 Indulge in your favorite guilty pleasure
If you are always strict with yourself, make Valentine’s day your guilt-free cheat day. Have the chocolate, the ice cream, the pizza or whatever else you love but usually deny yourself and allow yourself to fully enjoy it. Allow yourself to savor every bite or sip completely. But if this is your pattern and you tend to be really strict with yourself, you may want to use the Bach Flower Rock Water (read the Bach Flower teaching here) to learn to be more gentle with yourself.
#9 Go do what you love to do most
But you may not be a foodie, or spa lover or you could care less to spend your day watching tv. Instead you may want to go on a hike, go to the beach, swim in the ocean or pool, go to the museum, ice skating, roller skating, a musical, a gallery exposition, a concert or a play. Go do that, instead of watching your phone hoping to receive a text or a call. That text or call may very well still come in the midst of you having fun on your own, being totally you.
#10 Let go of an old lover
Alternatively it may be a day in which you have to let go of an old lover. Especially within deep soul connections, we tend to latch on to this person as if they are our ONLY chance to have love. This idea causes so much suffering especially within the Soulmate and Twin Flame community. Sometimes in order for love to flourish, we have to let go to create space for something or someone new to come in. As long as you are holding on tightly to one specific person and one specific outcome, your energy becomes constipated again and you shut love out.
#11 Commit to loving yourself deeper
Although all of the above ways are fun to do and certainly make you feel better, there is a deeper cause that is blocking you from actually loving yourself deeper. Instead of trying to pull harder on the outside world to make you feel loved, commit to finding what is stopping you from truly loving yourself. A great place to start is with the Bach Flower Crab Apple, that helps bring up subconscious emotions of self-hatred and self-loathing which naturally stand in the way of truly loving ourselves.
Use this Valentine’s day to love yourself a notch harder
Valentine’s day itself is a commercialized event that has little to do with actual true love, it’s a total old paradigm 3D concept that doesn’t fit into a higher 5th dimensional frequency love connection. It’s just old social and cultural condition of what love should look like, from an ego perspective – i.e. looking good on paper (on the outside) but not necessarily containing these actual qualities inside. It’s pretty fake and lacking any real depth.
So, instead of letting this conditioning get to you and trigger even more of your social and cultural programming around being single, not having kids, or having kids but not having a husband and so on – focus on the only thing that really matters and that is loving yourself.
The deeper you truly love yourself (and drinking champagne with chocolate dipped strawberries isn’t necessarily loving yourself in a way that really moves mountains ….)
The more love will be reflected back to you in your outer reality, when you really start loving yourself a notch harder.
Whole your reality is created from inside of you and the more love you feel inside for you, the more this will be reflected back to you in your outer circumstances. Our true obstacles to self-love are inside of us and need to be removed layer by layer from within. Because to reach true inner union with our soul, we have to remove every fear and false belief that is keeping us from completely and utterly falling in love with ourselves. Allowing love in not just as a trickle – but really opening the floodgates of heaven and allowing ourselves to be engulfed by love from within. That’s the real ecstasy we crave and try to substitute through our romantic relationships.
But until we find this love within, we will struggle to find it in our outer reality.