In this Soul teaching on Part II – healing the pattern of attracting emotionally unavailable love, you will learn:
I had a dinner party yesterday with some girlfriends, we belonged to three different generations the youngest person being 31 and the oldest 81. When it came to talking about relationships, it didn’t take long before we came onto the subject of emotional availability, or rather the lack thereof.
There we were, five women and we all struggled or have struggled with the same thing, an emotionally unavailable partner. Each woman had her own story, and although each story played out in it’s unique way – it all came down to the same. The Italian playboy boyfriend that doesn’t want to commit, the thrill seeking/workaholic ex, another ex-boyfriend struggling with substance addiction, the alcoholic cheating ex-husband, the stonewalling ex and the list goes on.
Emotional unavailable love shows up in so many different ways…..
But the problem is that until we address the root cause within ourselves that attracts unavailable love into our lives, we will continue to play out these patterns in our most intimate relationships.
Yes, the emotionally unavailable partner or parent has issue they need to address themselves. But we can’t make them, you can’t force people to change or be what you want them to be.
You can however change yourself and how you show up in life, because there is a deeper REASON why you are a vibrational match for this kind of love that lies in long forgotten subconscious wounding around feeling unseen, unheard, unappreciated, unwanted and unloved.
If you think that because you can’t remember any big traumatic events, that this doesn’t apply to you….
You may want to go to read Part I, where I explain how we all, as humans, carry subconscious unresolved trauma that we don’t remember experiencing, but that still influences our lives nonetheless.
In Part II of this series on emotional unavailability, we dive deep into these underlying causes that has emotionally unavailable love show up in our lives, so that you can address these cause in yourself once and for all.
Does it all start in your childhood?
The easiest place to connect patterns of emotional unavailability to is our childhood and the relationships we had with our parents, but let me warn you up front that even though this affects and deepens the pattern, it’s not where it originates from.
Looking pure from the old paradigm view of reality it would seem that the patterns for emotional unavailability are set in our childhood, through the emotional unavailability of our mothers and fathers. One of the surprising results from our poll on emotional unavailability was that those who struggled with emotional unavailability in their life, perceived both parents as almost equally emotionally unavailable. There was only a 5,7% difference between emotionally unavailable fathers 67.7% and unavailable mothers 62%.
That would make a strong argument for believing that our patterns for seeking or even attracting emotional unavailable love are created through our childhood experiences. However, throughout my five years of working with over thousands of clients in the Akasha (the chronicles of the soul), I have seen clients come to the same conclusion over and over again and that is that our childhoods and parents reactivate, the wounding we brought with us from other timelines.
Deep healing occurs within the family dynamic when we can see that our parents as imperfect as they were, were always helping us heal deeper trauma that they were not involved in or responsible for. From a soul’s perspective we choose the parents that will allow us to have the experiences, the soul chose to have.
This does not absolve parents from bad or criminal behavior of course, their soul chose that experience as well – along with the consequences they bear.
Let me be clear, child abuse is never acceptable and cannot be justified through spiritual concepts. The old paradigm was based on either/or, the new paradigm is based on and/and. This is sometimes a bit of a mind-bender because we are so used to seeing things as either good or bad (the old paradigm). In the new paradigm we can see that reality can consist of two conflicting truths at the same time, such as the soul truth and the human truth and both be equally valid.
The truth is that on a soul level your parents are innocent and have had the task to help you reactivate the unprocessed trauma and pain that you carry with you from your ancestral lineage (transgenerational trauma) and/or from previous lifetimes. At the same time every action we take in our human existence has consequences and when we or in this case they (our parents) break moral, ethical or even criminal laws – we as humans are faced with those consequences in whichever way the dues for these transgressions has to be paid on a karmic level – which is not decided by the Universe, but by the soul.
To recap though patterns of emotional unavailability are reactivated in our childhood, not created. If we have chosen emotionally unavailable parents on a soul level, it’s because they were the perfect people to re-experience (play out in the physical) with our wounding around emotional unavailability.
So, maybe it’s passed down through your ancestors?
When we look at the definition of emotional unavailability that we used in Part I of this series, then it may come as no surprise that emotional unavailability runs in the family. Depending on your culture or which generation you belong to, not talking about your emotions or difficult emotions being taboo may seem normal to you.
As a human species our emotional intelligence has taken quantum leaps in the past 50-100 years – as we shift from a paradigm in which we survive, to a paradigm in which me thrive.
We jus have to look at the evolution of our great-grandmothers, grandmothers and mothers to see how things have changed. Since the 1960’s our great-grandfathers, grandfathers and fathers have drastically changed their way of treating women, childrearing and so on.
As a collective we have over the years and generations become more emotionally available to our partners and children, despite the previous generations within our family lineage struggling with this. Within many families throughout the world, emotional unavailability has been a pattern passed down from generation to generation not only through the DNA, but through the way people were raised.
In a way emotional unavailability is of course learned behavior, that is passed down through our maternal and paternal lineage. Which is probably why the respondents to our poll, felt that both their parents were emotionally unavailable – almost to the same degree. Because as society as a whole, this is a pattern that has been reactivated to a lesser extent in the next generation over and over again.
However, again through working in the Akasha, what has become clear is that we not of course only choose the family lineages on a soul level that best support our physical embodiment, we choose those family lineages with the same or similar wounding as the one we are bringing in from our own soul’s journey throughout our many previous embodiments (aka lifetimes).
Because we ‘inherit’ the trauma of our family lineages, choosing a family lineage that struggles with the same soul and human themes that we do, allows us a guaranteed opportunity to bring these themes to life in the same way that reactivating them in our childhood does. It allows us the chance to PLAY them out in the physical, so that we can heal them once and for all.
You can see it as the soul’s contingency plan to make sure that despite the soul amnesia we tend to experience, during our incarnation in the physical, the themes that the soul wants to experience are baked into the experience through our DNA and upbringing.
This means that if we already struggle with emotional unavailability we choose the lineages that are struggling with this as well, for us to be born into – because we are a vibrational match to the same frequency of emotional pain. Even if we would be born into a family lineage that has mastered emotional availability, we would still perceive them through our own trauma-driven filter of emotional unavailability.
This doesn’t mean that your childhood and family lineage don’t play into your experience of emotional unavailability, of course they do. But they are not the CAUSE of it, they aren’t the original wound from where the pattern originated.
Are there any past life connections?
70% of your current life struggles come directly from your past life unresolved pain and trauma. The other 30% comes indirectly from those same past lives masked as childhood and ancestral trauma. This means that 100% of your current reality, even the 5% that you create consciously (as 95% of our reality is created by default by our subconscious) is created from karma.
How did we get from trauma to karma?
That’s really simple, because any unprocessed trauma and the pain it causes that is left unresolved in a previous lifetime, is stored as a vibrational memory in our field and this is what is called karma. Karma is not only coming from when WE hurt others, but also when others hurt us. This is because karma (an Indian concept) is much like the original meaning of the Christian concept sin, which was equally misunderstood. This is again because of the old paradigm interpretation that something is either good or bad.
In reality both karma and sin are about ‘missing the mark‘ (this is the original meaning of the word sin – which is cheit in Hebrew). Although technically the word ‘karma’ means deed or action in Sanskrit, this is still true – because our deeds or action come from ‘missing the mark’.
What does ‘missing the mark’ mean?
It means to fail to achieve the result that was intended.
As I have explained in Part I of this series:
Anytime that we carry unresolved trauma and pain within the subconscious, the subconscious mind in order to help us heal it, pulls in the people, situations and experiences that help us re-enact our unresolved pain.
The problem is that because we are unaware of this dynamic, we feel victimized by these very experiences meant to help us heal. Which often leads us to victimize others, as hurt people – hurt other people.
This is where we fail to achieve the result intended and instead of healing the underlying trauma, we feel revictimized and hurt even more, which adds to the vibrational charge we were already carrying. This false perception (misinterpretation) of our reality permeates everything, which is why even our conscious creations are trauma-driven, until we become trauma free, by fully Soul Embodiment™ Therapy Journeys™.
It’s in these past lives where the real wounds lie around feeling unseen, unheard, unappreciated, unwanted and unloved. As paradoxical as it sounds, emotional unavailability from someone that is emotionally important to us helps us play out these subconscious and past life wounds, that were reactivated and triggered through your ancestry and childhood.
Truly breaking old cycles, means to stop repeating them
This however, does NOT mean that you should stay with this person or that being with them is “good for you”. Do not use this as an excuse to continue relationships with people that may not be a good fit for you. You can heal patterns of emotional unavailability in yourself, without having to be in a relationship that triggers these subconscious wounds non-stop.
In many cases such as healing emotional unavailability, co-dependency or the tendency to lose yourself in a relationship, and so on – it’s much easier to heal yourself outside of a relationship (i.e. single) because there is less chance that you will simply continue to play out your subconscious wounding or fall back into your old patterns.
It’s like trying to break an addiction, while continuing the addiction. It doesn’t work. You become like the smoker, that tells himself he will not inhale over the lungs as a way to reduce the risks of smoking and then slowly slips back into his normal smoking habits, which include inhaling the smoke into his lungs.
In Dutch there is a saying ‘De kat niet op het spek binden’ (don’t tie the cat to the bacon) which is the equivalent of ‘Don’t let the fox guard the hen-house’. Like animals – as humans it’s difficult to change our behavior especially when it comes to our specific weak spots. If we keep the cat away from the bacon and the fox away from the hen-house to reduce the risk of temptation, we should also reduce the risk of the temptation to fall back into old patterns by rushing into or staying in dysfunctional relationships.
Reading this will make perfect sense to you, yet when it comes down to it many people would rather be in any kind of relationship, no matter how bad it gets – than be alone. And do you know why? Because it allows them to run away from the uncomfortable feelings of being alone and facing what is really there underneath.
I had one client who had the tendency to lose herself in relationships, something she had identified herself. She completely agreed that she should heal this pattern in herself first, before starting a new relationship. The next coaching session she was back to wanting to start dating again, this is because as humans we are driven by our subconscious desires even when we rationally (or consciously) know better. Despite her knowing on a conscious level that she would most likely lose herself in a new partner, her subconscious motivation to want a new partner were strong enough to get her to want to date again.
This is in general my critique towards the whole notion that we should simply say ‘yes’ to every opportunity to be in a relationship, because it offers us ‘an opportunity to heal’. Above all it offers us an opportunity to repeat our patterns over and over again if we don’t actually take the time out to heal them, which reduces it to an opportunity to get some d*ck or p*ssy because repeating your patterns ad nauseam doesn’t actually heal them.
It’s better to just be honest with yourself then and realize that you want sex and this person offers you an opportunity to have sex. Otherwise like the smoker wanting to quit, you are just fooling yourself that not smoking over the lungs makes any real difference.
Jumping in and out of bed with other people is the best way to continue living (or playing out) our subconscious patterns and not break them. We need to take a time out from both relationships and friends with benefits situations, to really be able to do the inner work that is necessary to heal our subconscious patterns where they originated – which reside at such a deep subconscious level that most self help tools or even regular therapy methods do not reach.
This is not only my conclusion, but that many pioneers in the field of healing trauma have come to as well. Trauma cannot be bypassed, wished away, simply be reprogrammed and so on. It needs to be faced, felt, and understood (interpreted correctly) in order to be able to move on. As long as the misinterpretation exists, which is in essence the human interpretation vs the soul interpretation we are looking through the lens of trauma – the subconscious fears and false beliefs that were created because of the misinterpretation.
However, you are not doomed or meant to merely PLAY out your subconscious wounding in order to heal, you can also choose to CLEAR it out and there is not a better time in history than now. There are so many more methods to truly heal trauma available to us now, that previous generations did not have access to.
Methods such as the ones I use in the Soul Embodiment™ Therapy Journeys™ sessions.
PLAYING out our subconscious wounding helps us bring it into our conscious awareness, but merely recognizing an issue does not resolve it. One has to address the origin of said issue, in order for it to be transformed – let alone be resolved. The origins are the fears and false beliefs created in the previous misinterpretations of our reality experience.
Relationships tend to be our mirrors and when we attract emotionally unavailable people, it can be a reflection of our own incapacity to allow the so called negative emotions in. This is because the original stories behind why we feel unseen, unheard, unappreciated, unwanted and unloved (this how our subconscious fears and false beliefs manifest as these feelings above) are so painful, that we have completely disassociated from them and disowned them.
We have literally banished them to our most well hidden dungeons within our subconscious mind, in order to stop the pain. This happened such a long time ago, we don’t even remember doing it.
In essence we are emotionally unavailable to ourselves, even if that is of course not completely the case on a conscious level. At a very deep and unseen level we are – but don’t realize it. It is through this dissociation from the pain, that we can continue as if nothing has happened to us. But this is of course a survival strategy that does not work on the long term.
It only leads to the accumulation of more unresolved pain.
The accumulation of this unresolved pain is what Eckhart Tolle coined the pain-body.
And the relationship between your anima and animus?
Which brings us to the last factor that plays into the pattern of emotional unavailability, how much can you allow yourself to feel?
The answer to this question ties into our collective wounding.
After say 6,000 years of patriarchy we have internalized a lot of the beliefs systems that belong to this particular thought-form, which is based on masculine superiority and feminine inferiority.
Despite the fact that as a modern man or woman, you believe in equal rights and so on. Subconsciously, which dictates 95% of your reality creation (in other words the reality you live) there is likely a lot of outdated patriarchal conditioning left to address.
So much of our wounding took place within the Patriarchal paradigm, which has left its imprint on our inner feminine (our anima) and inner masculine (our animus). It has shaped the inner relationship between these two aspects of ourselves and the degree to which they are in harmony. For many of us, our inner masculine and feminine are in the same battle of the sexes being reflected back to us, in our outer reality.
When the inner masculine is overbearing it shuts down the inner feminine, her feelings, her emotions, her creativity and her intuition because he doesn’t trust her – which leads to him wanting to limit and control her. On the other hand there is the collapsed inner masculine, which leads the inner feminine to fend for her own. This necessitates the inner feminine to become rigid and masculine herself, there is no time or place to feel your emotions when you are in a constant struggle to survive.
The answer is to heal the Divine Masculine Within, because as you heal the inner masculine it automatically works through to his relationship with the inner feminine. When you clean out the subconscious patriarchal programming that distorted the inner union of these two polarities within yourself, you restore the inner equality, harmony and equilibrium between them.
As within, so without.
When your inner masculine is ready to serve, provide for and protect the inner feminine, this is what you will see reflected back to you in your reality. When your inner masculine has made peace with your inner feminine, you will no longer attract men who treat you differently than your own inner masculine template. Your own inner masculine and feminine template is the Divine Blueprint for all of your relationships, which includes your most intimate relationships.
Healing the pattern of emotionally unavailable love…
As you can see the wounding that attracts emotionally unavailable love into your life, is both layered as well as complex, it’s not about addressing either/or one or more of these multiple layers. It’s about addressing them all, because like a big ball of yarn that is snarled and entangled, each layer holds a key to further unlocking the full healing of this pattern.
It’s learning how to understand that your misinterpretation of your reality centuries ago, made you decide that your voice didn’t matter or that it wasn’t safe to be truly seen. Alternatively, it could have been something ‘you’ did eons ago in another lifetime, that you so deeply condemn that you decided you don’t deserve to be loved because what you did was monstrous and you have been subconsciously punishing yourself ever since. All these subconscious fears and false beliefs (your misinterpretations) then influences who you choose as parents, which family lineages you choose to be born into.
Plus simply living your soul’s journey throughout time and space has imprinted a variety of fears and false beliefs on your own inner feminine and masculine. Traumatic experiences in many lifetimes as a woman, may have caused you to reject your own femininity. Endless lives of gruesome battle and death, may have made you turn your back on masculinity. Just as each individual lifetime can have us jump to wrong conclusions, multiple lifetime experiences as a woman or a man have created their own false beliefs around femininity and masculinity within our inner templates.
There are no quick fixes when it comes to unravelling these underlying causes. There are no magic pills that cure everything in one go. It’s a matter of working through each deeper layer, to excavate what is hidden underneath. On the other hand, we don’t really have an option because until we do face these places within ourselves, our subconscious will continue to pull in the people, situations and experiences to help remind us of the unprocessed pain we are trying to hide from ourselves.
Yet, the rewards of doing this inner work is Heaven on Earth as our physical reality, fully living your life according to your unique Divine Plan and original Divine Blueprint.